Children and Death

  How do you tell a child someone they love has died? It is common to believe children will not understand death, or that they will be crushed emotionally.

  As adults, we understand the pain through experience children have yet to encounter. Still, we often times have no idea how or when to break the news.

  In fact, children understand more than we grown-ups think. The death of a beloved pet or even the changing seasons are valuable lessons for teaching our children about the life cycle.

  One thing is for certain: If someone close to your child has died, it is best not to avoid telling them “straight up.” Children can and do handle the news of death — often better than we do. Children need to come to terms with death and the grief that accompanies it.

Breaking the News When Someone Close Has Died

  When a death occurs, someone close to the child should tell them. The child should be told as soon as possible. News of a death travels quickly, and parents who delay telling the children run the risk that it will be heard from someone else. This can result in a bigger hurt and shock later.

  Once you have told the child that someone has died, explain what happens next. Tell them about the wake or visitation, if one will occur; about the funeral and burial. If you are unsure what to say, your funeral director can offer the guidance you need.

Offering Reassurance

  If a child has lost a parent, reassure him that the other parent will still be here. For the present, the child will still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, and go to the same school.

  Often children conclude that they somehow caused the death. Tell the child it is not his/her fault that their friend or loved one died. If death occurred due to illness, reassure the child that he or she is healthy and will not die of the same disease.

Reactions to Death

  Children are people. In many ways they react to death like adults. They may feel shock or, at first, denial. They may express anger, blame, or become angry at the person who died for leaving them. There may be guilt. Children can just as easily become depressed as adults do.

  Perhaps most disconcerting is when a child’s reaction to death is nothing more than a shrug. Habits from infancy or toddlerhood may reemerge, such as thumbsucking or bedwetting. They may become hostile with playmates, or express their grief and anger by treating their toys violently. They may imagine or pretend that they are dying, or exhibit curiosity about the funeral coach, casket, vault, and grave.

  This is just normal curiosity. In short, there is no “normal” or correct way for children to grieve. It is a uniquely personal process.

Coping

  Like adults, children need to grieve; to accept that death has occurred and attempt to get on with their lives. Your child will take cues from you, so don’t be afraid to express your own grief.

  Cry if you feel the need, and let the child cry with you. Do not tell a child, “Be brave, don’t cry.” This is a sad situation and the child needs to express his or her sadness.

  Talk to the child, and encourage them to talk as well. If the child wants to talk about the deceased, engage in an open, honest conversation. Even if your child is too young to speak intelligibly, you can still share your emotions.

  Hugging and touching will comfort young children who can sense anguish in the family, even if they do not understand what has happened. Children surrounded by sadness need to be assured that they are loved.

  It is a good idea to take your child to the funeral, but do not force them if they do not want to go. A funeral serves a number of psychological needs for children as well as adults. Children, like adults, need to share their grief. The funeral provides a focus for grief, allowing people to come together and express their feelings. Funerals give meaning to the experience of death; they can be an important lesson for children.

  Offer children a careful explanation of the funeral before they decide whether or not to attend. Your funeral director can offer help, and there are books, videos, and counselors available for explaining the process of death and a funeral service.

  If you try to protect your child by keeping them away from the funeral, you may make the child feel shut out or rejected. Children who don’t attend the funeral of a loved one, surrounded by supporting family and friends, sometimes suffer from unresolved grief later.

  Remember, your child’s relationship to the deceased has not ended; it has only changed. After the funeral, keep pictures and other reminders of the deceased around to spark conversations with your child. This will help form a new set of emotional bonds with the person who died.

Counseling

  It is very difficult to assess a child’s need for counseling to overcome unresolved grief. The grief process is not a series of neat, separate stages; it is more like an emotional roller-coaster ride. Feelings of depression, anger, or sadness can come roaring back months after the death.

  However, if a child seems beset by prolonged anger, denial, sickness, or listlessness, it is a good idea to seek counseling. Ask your pediatrician or clergy to suggest a child counselor who has experience with grief therapy. Your funeral director can also help guide you to qualified counselors. You and your child may discover that his/her reactions are normal and feel better for knowing it.

Handling a Child’s Questions About Death and Dying

  Children are naturally curious, and they will undoubtedly have many questions. What a child will want to know depends on their age and previous experience they have had with death.

  Generally, preschoolers don’t understand the finality of death, asking questions like, “When is Grandma coming back?” Whether watching television or at play, our children are frequently exposed to characters who “come back to life.” In their world, there is virtually no concept that when someone dies, they do not return.

  Between ages five and ten, children may learn that death is final, but their limited experience is likely to cause a belief that only old people and accident victims die. If a relatively young person dies, children in this age group may demand to know why.

  After the age of ten, children generally begin to understand that death is part of the natural order of things; that people die at all ages for any number of reasons.

  Listen to the child’s questions; answer them as simply as possible. Be direct, not trying to overexplain or interpret their questions. If asked, “Why did Grandpa die,” a child will likely be satisfied to know that he got very sick. Allow them to develop their own thoughts regarding this situation; if they want to know more, you can be certain more questions will follow.

  Above all, be honest. Telling a child that “Grandpa is just sleeping,” may cause a fear in them of falling asleep and never waking; or they may believe that Grandpa will wake up soon. Again, your funeral director is a perfect resource to consult in these times.