When Your Brother or Sister Has Died

  When a brother or sister dies, it is not only a crisis for surviving siblings who are children, but also for surviving adult siblings. Sometimes siblings tend to be neglected in the grieving process because so much focus is placed on the parents (if the deceased sibling is a child) or the remaining spouse and children (if the deceased sibling is an adult). Often the depth of grief that people feel when their sister or brother dies is underestimated. A sibling relationship carries with it a connection that cannot be broken. You can decide to break off a friendship, but the bond between siblings will always be present. You and your sibling may not have been especially close, but you will always be connected to one another.

Helping Surviving Children Cope with a Sibling’s Death

  Often when a child’s sister or brother dies, the child actually feels that he has lost three people: the sibling and both parents. For the parents, the death of a child is so devastating that they have very little left to give to their surviving children. However, these children have important needs to be met and fears to be addressed, and if they don’t get the help they need, there can be long term emotional damage. A surviving child is trying to cope with the loss of his brother or sister AND to the change in his family situation along with the behavior of his grieving parents. The child needs to be reassured that even though his parents are grieving profoundly over the death of their other child, it does not in any way diminish the love they feel for the surviving sibling. When a child loses a sibling, he loses a playmate, a friend and sometimes even a “surrogate parent.” Below are some feelings and thoughts that a child may naturally have:

• “Will my other siblings or my parents die?”
• “Did I do something that made my brother/sister die?”
• “Things will never be the same again.”
• “I can’t let my parents see me cry, because it will upset them.”
• “No one cares about my feelings, only my parents’ feelings.”
• “I feel left out.”
• “If I act like my brother/sister, maybe my parents won’t be so sad.”

How to help:

• Reassure the child that he is not going to also die, and that he is loved and wanted.
• The child’s parents should try to keep the family’s routine as normal as possible.
• Expressions of grief should be shared. Encourage the child to share his feelings and talk openly; let the child know that he shouldn’t be afraid to talk about the sibling who died.
• Give the child plenty of comfort in the way of hugs and holding.
• Reassure the child that he is not responsible for the death.
• Keep in mind that surviving children cannot be expected to “take the place” of the deceased sibling.
• Try to answer all the child’s questions about the death as honestly as possible, but don’t feel obliged to have all the answers.

Special Needs of Adolescent Siblings

Adolescents may have some unique issues to deal with along with the death of a brother or sister. Adolescents are in the process of trying to break away from their parents and become more emotionally independent. They are usually lacking confidence and are somewhat self-absorbed during this time in their lives. Because of this insecurity, accepting the death of a sibling is often something that they will try to avoid. Adolescents face a special dilemma in this situation; they desperately need the support of their parents and other family members, but on the other hand, they don’t want to let their feelings show for fear of seeming childlike and vulnerable. All the stress that surviving teens face can cause them to take risks, run away from home or abuse drugs or alcohol. For an adolescent, “flirting with death” can be a way to try to have power over it. Parents of a surviving teen need to provide emotional support and counseling if needed, but also be understanding if their teen needs a means to “escape,” as long as he is not being self-destructive in doing so. Teens may be more likely to open up more to their friends about their sibling’s death than to their parents. Don’t be discouraged or disappointed if this happens. They may be reaching out to other people to avoid upsetting or hurting you, which is understandable. The most important thing is that they are able to share their feelings with someone, whether that person is a friend, a counselor or a parent.

Adult Siblings

When your brother or sister died, you not only lost a beloved member of your family, you probably lost that sibling’s role within the family. You may also now experience a gap in the birth order. If the oldest sibling died, you may have lost a “caregiver.” If the youngest died, you may feel that you have lost the one you had the role of protecting. If your sibling was your twin or part of a multiple birth, more than likely you feel that part of you has died. It can be confusing to consider taking on a new role in the family, and the pain of trying to accept your sibling’s death makes it even more difficult.

  In some ways you may also feel that you have lost your parents. This could be the first time that you turn to your parents for support, and find that they need you as much as you need them, if not more. In a way, you may feel that you need to grieve the loss of the parents you once knew, the parents who were strong, supportive and in control. It can be extremely disturbing to see your parents so vulnerable and helpless.

  Try to spend some time thinking about your sibling’s role in the family and how you can learn to accept the way your family will now relate to one another. Be patient and kind to your parents, other siblings and most importantly, to yourself.

Learning to Heal

  Regrettably, there is no such thing as complete acceptance when someone you love dies. The death of your brother or sister has changed your family, and it has changed you. The future is also changed, since it will no longer include a person with whom you expected to grow old. However, over time you will learn to remember your brother or sister with laughter, smiles and memories of happy times. Let the love you shared comfort you. In this way, you can celebrate the essence that was your sibling’s life and spirit.